Forever, Never
by oncersaurus
Summary: Written from Cameron's POV; It's her life after House died. How did House's death change her life?and what will her and her son, Logan, do after lover's sudden death?
1. Sleep Dreamlessly This Time

**Title: **Forever, Never.  
**Author:** oncersaurus.  
**Fandom: **House MD.  
**Pairing: **Allison Cameron/Remy Hadley.  
**Rating:** NC-17. (M)  
**Disclaimer: **I do not own House, nor do I own any of the characters, besides Logan. (Kim is based on someone I know, but I don't actually own her so. ;P)  
**A/N: **Okay so,more than anything I wanted Cadley to be endgame in the finale, but it never happened. Boo. So this is my take on what happened after the finale.

**Summary:** Written from Cameron's POV; It's her life after House died. How did House's death change her life?and what will her and her son, Logan, do after lover's sudden death?  
**Note: **This contains some graphic stuff. (Abuse, rape, cutting, suicide, etc...) so you have been warned.

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Our eyes met. It seemed so surreal; this was the happiest I'd ever seen her, and I couldn't help but smile. We kissed slowly, and I felt her smile against my lips, before we parted.

Our life, at that moment, was perfect. It was finally happening for us; and we couldn't have been happier than we were that day.

However, it wasn't always perfect. When House died, that was when everything changed. I fell apart, and so did Remy's relationship with her then girlfriend, Amy. It wasn't something we'd planned, at least I know I never planned on falling in love with Remy. But I don't think I'll ever know what really happened to Remy's relationship, she would never really talk about it; all she would say is "I fell in love with you... Isn't that enough?" and even though I still believe there was something more that happened between the two, I never pushed her on it; we were happy and that's all that mattered to me.

The reason Remy and I were so close, even before House's death, was because she was the only one who was there for me when... Well, Okay this is a completely different story but I'll tell it anyway since we're talking about imperfections.

My fiancée at the time, wasn't exactly Prince Charming. Very far from it actually, and things between us started to spiral out of control. Now, he had always hit me. That wasn't anything new, and I took it. Every last smack and punch her threw. And Honestly, I believed I deserved it, at the time I did anyway.

I don't think you could call what we had a relationship. I mean, don't get me wrong, when he was nice, he was an amazing fiancée. That's why we were engaged, but the further into the relationship we got. The less I saw that nice side of him.

When I wasn't working, I would spend time with Remy and Amy. Normal couples would double date with their best friends, but he didn't care. He never really cared to spend time with me outside the house.

Anyway, back to the point; Remy would come by the house, whenever we were going out for the day, and she always noticed the tension between us. It took her a while to notice what was really happening but I guess I was just good at hiding it. This one day, we were in Remy's car. Now, I don't quite remember where we were going but we never got there anyway. She asked me about what was going on with him and I... why I looked at him like I couldn't stand to be in the same room as him.

"I-I..." I couldn't speak. I didn't know whether to deny everything or admit what he was doing to me.

"Allison... is he beating you?" I didn't need to say anything though, she knew. I just nodded, because I didn't have the energy to argue with another person I cared about.

Nothing was said for a moment, and at first I thought she was mad at me. I don't know why I thought that but it made sense at the time. Remy pulled up to the side walk and just looked at me. She still didn't say anything but from the look in her eyes I knew she wasn't mad, at least not at me. She gave me a sort of pittyful look, a look that killed me.

No one knew about it, besides Remy. She was amazing. It's kind of what made me fall in love with her, how much she seemed to care about me. Then once House died, we just... connected.

I remember having that conversation with her; you know the whole '_I have feelings for you, but I know you're in relationship_' talk? She told me that loved me back, and it felt so surreal. This was Remy Hadley. She could have anyone and she wanted me... Why? And then she admitted it, Amy had accepted her disease already and she didn't want to put me through all that again. Yeah- again. She knew about me marrying a dying person before and she said that it wasn't fair that she put me through the pain of losing a lover again.

"Yes. I married a dying man and when he did pass away it almost killed me. But... honestly, I would go through it again- feel every little bit of pain I felt, if I could just feel loved again. I just want to love, and be loved, the way we were in love when he was alive, and I'm pretty sure I feel that way about you, Rem. I wouldn't put myself through this again, if I wasn't."

Remy was speechless, I could see her mouth try and form words and it did so for a moment, and then she just kissed me. Since then, everything went _perfectly_.

Oh right- So, back to our wedding day?

Like I said, it went perfectly. Now, It wasn't anything expensive, or over the top; that's not what either of us wanted. We just had a simple wedding, with a few close friends and very very few family (mostly mine). We had 2 bridesmaids; Rachel, Lisa Cuddy's daughter, who I've looked after since she was a baby... and Remy's best friend, Kim.

Kim was about the only one of Remy's friends that I actually liked, and that's only because 99% of them are people she met at night clubs or bars. Most of her friends were always partying but Kim seemed to be the one who kept Remy away from that sort of life style. She was the only good influence in Rem's life and that makes me feel guilty for how things turned out in the end.

Anyway, So after the wedding, Rem and I went away for a short honeymoon. Again nothing expensive or over the top. A weekend on a beach somewhere in Europe. Kim stayed behind to look after Logan. Oh yeah, did I mention I- we had a baby? Logan, my son, was actually 3 months old when I left my ex fiancée, to be with Rem.

At first, Remy wasn't completely in love with idea of bringing up a child with me. She didn't want this child to have to go through what she went through with her mother. Eventually though, she fell in love with him too and Logan was almost 3 by the time we got married.

I feel like I'm going on a little too much here, so I'll shorten it down for you a little.

7 years into our _perfect_ marriage, and I think about a week after Logan's 10th birthday; that's when Remy killed herself...

(**A/N:** That's a mean place to end it, Haha. Seriously though, I know it's a little slow but that's just the opening chapter. The next one is better, I promise! ...Thoughts?)


	2. We'll Cry Tonight

"What's happening to mom?"

I was dreading this day. Logan was starting to ask questions about Remy's disease, and how do you tell a 9 year old one of this parents is dying?

"She's sick, Logster. You know that."

"But, why is she always hurt?"

"Listen..." I vaguely remember how painfully this conversation was. It was always one of those moments I tried to block from my memory, but it was too hard to forget. "Your mom's brain is... well let's just say it's slowly shutting down and that's making her do stupid stupid things."

"Like hurting herself?"

"Exactly! Sometimes it makes her want to do that..."

"But- If her brain is shutting off, does that mean she'll die soon?"

I nodded. That's all I could do, was nod. I couldn't say the words; I couldn't tell Logan his mom was dying.

I made sure Remy didn't know that Logan was fully aware of her illness, although it wasn't something that was easy to hide any more.

I knew Remy was hurting. I knew what she was going through but she wouldn't talk to me. I couldn't help her when she needed me the most. I would constantly notice fresh injuries to her body. She kept them well hidden though, well except when she was at home, and in some way I was glad of that. She trusted me. But at the same time; I hate that she let me know, it was her cry for help and I never helped her. I wish I had the excuse that she kept this from me but she never... I never saved her when I had the chance.

It all started so fast. Around the time she started to show signs of her disease taking over her body. She would twitch, or one of her muscles would go stiff and I could see in her eyes how much it was killing her. Not just physically or mentally, but emotionally too.

I only ever saw her harm herself once, and that was when she stopped hiding it from me. It was a late summer day, I'd just picked Logan up from soccer practice and she didn't know I was home. Logan crashed in front of the TV, as most 9 year old's do when they arrive home. I didn't call out for her, because I didn't think she was home and I made my way into our bed room. She was there, in the en suite. I saw her in the mirror, slowly slicing through the pale flesh of her stomach. She was crying and I almost sobbed on the spot myself, but I held it in and walked out before she noticed me.

It took me a while to completely realise what was going on. I couldn't comprehend the reason why someone would feel the need to do that... but that's just it, she couldn't feel... she wanted to feel.

I waited for Logan to fall asleep that night-

"Why, Remy?" I was already in bed. Sat up against the back, with my knees pulled up to my chest.

Rem had just entered the room as I spoke. "What's wrong?" She sounded genuinely worried, as she slipped onto the bed in front of me.

I didn't know how to say it, or even what to say, so I was just silent for a moment. Remy moved in closer, probably as close as she could get, and pulled me into a hug. I dropped my knees as she put her arms around me, and I went to kneel up so I could just hold her tight in my arms; but as I shifted, one of my knees caught Remy in the stomach and felt her grip tighten for a moment, a small gasp passed her lips as she did.

"I'm sorry." I pulled back and looked her in eyes, I could see the pain.

"It's okay, I just have cramp-"

"Rem... I know, you don't have to lie to me."

Her eyes filled regret and she just gave me a strong apologetic look.

"Baby, you know you can talk to me about anything- so talk to me. Please." I could feel the tears building up in my eyes, and I had to look down. As I did, Remy stood up and started to walk toward the bathroom.

"I can't... I can't talk about it. I'm sorry." She disappeared into the bathroom, and after a moment I heard the shower come on.

I noticed right away that she didn't lock, or even close the door behind her- that was something she'd been doing a lot lately, locking the bathroom door. I was never really suspicious though, things had been really weird since she started showing signs of her huntingtons, and I was scared to ask questions. That's why I blame myself for everything.

After a moment, I followed Remy into the bathroom. She was already in the shower, and she was crying. I just looked at her. The amount of cuts on her body- _how did it take me so long to notice... how? _

I stripped off, before stepping into the shower with her, and I just hugged her from behind. I couldn't help but cry. That's all we did for a moment, cry. Until she turned around in my arms, and looked me in the eye.

"I'm sorry, Allison."

My hands came up to cup her face, and I just kissed her. "You don't need to be sorry, not to me."

"I love you-"

"I love you, too. I just wish you would talk to me."

"It hurts."

"I know..."

She pulled me into her arms and I melted into her touch. It had been so long since we'd been that close.

* * *

**A/N:** This one is shorter, sorry. I have so much going on right now, I haven't been in the mood for writing fics but I'm trying to get all the ones I've started posted now. Anyway, this didn't really go anywhere near the way I wanted it too but still... Thoughts? (:


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